Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Wild Bill Wednesday: Hockey Bears

(eds. note, this post is dated 11/04/09)

The hockey season is 14 games old. I know that some teams have played more than 14, some less, but I don’t care. The Bruins have played 14 games, and the B’s are my B-arometer (see what I did there?) as to how the season is progressing. After middling through the first 2 weeks with just 13 points, it looks like the B’s will be hard pressed to put up the absurd 116 points as last year’s President’s Trophy runners up. The loss of Savard and Looch have certainly not helped the scoring, as the B’s have mustered just three goals in their last four games (1-3).

As a casual (gasp!) hockey fan, one of the aspects of the game I find most endearing is violence. By violence, I mean cheap shots and fights. By cheap shots, I mean Marty McSorely (little known fact: Marty McSorely appeared opposite recently bankrupt Nic Cage in the 1997 epic Con Air!) and by fights I mean Milan “Looch” Lucic.

With McSorely last seen on Spike TV’s Pros vs Joes and Looch out 3-5 more weeks with a broken finger, it’s been tough to get my B’s violence fix. Luckily, other members of the Ursus genus have been more than picking up the slack…with that, we head to outer space.

If you are confused by that transition, I don’t blame you. Or you don’t watch enough youtube, in which case it is entirely your fault. Either way, you would be remiss if you have not seen the 2007-2008 pre-game video for the Alaska-Fairbanks Nanooks.

The video captures rare footage of a Space Bear, and the bear is SUPER pissed. He must have had the premonition that the B’s would get out to such a shitty start in ’09, and he decides that the only place to make sure the B’s know how he feels is, you guessed it, Alaska! Over the course of his journey from deep space to Alaska, he/she manages to destroy the Hubble Telescope ($6.0 billion); the city of Anchorage (which had not seen such a disaster since the Good Friday Earthquake of 1964); the Port of Anchorage (which receives 95% of all Alaskan imports); and the roof of the Carlson Center (which hosts, among others, the University of Alaska-Fairbanks Nanooks hockey team and the Larry the Cable Guy comedy tour). Conservative estimates put total damage inflicted at $56,600,450,965. An intergalactic menace hasn’t had this big an effect on Alaska since Sarah Palin!

Not to be outdone, Earth Bears are also wreaking havoc.

If you step out onto the Palin’s porch and glance across the Bering Strait, you might catch a glimpse of one of our planets most dangerous creatures. I write, obviously, of the Grizzly Bear on Hockey Skates. Russians, with their flair for the dramatic, asked the question that was on the rest of the worlds mind, but were just a little non-Communist to ask: “If humans can play hockey, why can’t we have bears play hockey?” Unlike in America, Russia is completely covered in ice. For this reason, they host their circuses on ice. I use the term “their” because it is in fact a Russian State Circus company who puts on these shows. While training for an upcoming performance of the impeccably titled “Bears on Ice”, 25 year old Dmitry Potapov was killed by a 5-year old Grizzly bear. Though the Krygyztan Ministry of Culture and Information stated that it was unclear why the bear attacked, nearly severing one of Potapov’s legs while dragging him across the ice by his neck, I think it is fairly obvious. Potapov had to have been a Canadiens fan, amirite!?!

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